In 12-step programs they call it a sponsor. In the XXX Church, they call it an accountability buddy. Me, I’ve been touching base with the same woman for more than a decade, and (perhaps foolishly) keeping current with the entire tumblr universe to boot. The idea is, sex and love addicts need to check in with someone who understands our special brand of insanity, but is unlikely to be insane at precisely the same time we are. Or, at any rate, insane about the same person, real or Photoshopped.
Just like there comes a day when no amount of willpower is going to keep an alcoholic from a drink, there is a day when nothing on God’s green Earth is going to keep your car from making - on its own volition, I swear - a left-hand turn into your ex’s driveway… or the massage parlor parking lot. It takes something outside ourselves, occasionally something whacking us sharply upside the head, to intervene.
I think even so-called normies can use someone in their life who will listen to their latest brilliant relationship ideas, shake their head, and say: “Uh-huh. I hear you. And no, you don’t want to do that.”
Guess what? That job can now be automated.
I always thought of the GPS locators in electronic devices as equal parts public service provided to help me (Find My Phone) and annoying marketing gimmick foisted upon me to help Facebook (Buy My Product). Turns out, there’s another use I hadn’t considered, called geo-fencing. Essentially, you mark an area on the map as off-limits, and the car or phone sends an alert when that perimeter has been violated. To your boss, to your parents… even to you. Delivery companies want to see which of their vans have been wandering off for leisurely drives in the country. Parents worry that their teenagers are heading to the wrong side of town on the wrong side of midnight.
You, my dear, can use it to keep yourself from stalking your love object.
"Stalking" is too strong a word for you? Okay, then. How about "just sort of being in the neighborhood"? Or… or… popping into someone’s favorite coffee shop, you know the one, because you really are looking fine today, and you never know what might happen. Or…or.. a drive by the building where the love object works, and maybe a quick trip to the rest room while you’re there. If God wants you guys to be together, you-know-who will be in the hallway.
When the obsession hits, there’s no room in your brain for anything but that one insistent thought, rolling round and round like a hamster on a wheel. Nothing can break the spell, nothing… except perhaps the BLARING HORN OF YOUR CAR. Or the voice of your flesh-and-blood sponsor, who was just texted by your nark of an iPhone because — guess what! — you wandered over the geo-fence into forbidden territory. Forbidden by you, yourself, when you weren’t in the grip of obsession.
Geo-fencing will soon be a standard new-car feature, along with back-up cameras and voice recognition systems. So next time you’re driving along, chanting “Please don’t let me make that call, please don’t let me make that call…” it may comfort you to know that there really is someone listening. Something listening, at any rate.